Identity Reflections

A VP who has been with the same company for twelve years is considering whether to leave. Outside of her role, she cannot describe who she is. Her 'I am' statements are all role-based: good at strategy, trusted by the board, reliable under pressure.

Frame this as an identity audit, not a self-assessment exercise. 'Before we look at what you want next, let's separate what you do from who you are — these four prompts help make that distinction visible.' Clients like this often write role descriptors in the 'I am' section and leave the 'I am not' section blank or shallow. Name that tendency upfront: 'The second list is usually more revealing.'

The 'I am not' section done in under two minutes, or filled with socially acceptable rejections ('not dishonest,' 'not careless'), signals performance rather than honest examination. Look for what the client actively avoids being associated with — 'not vulnerable,' 'not someone who asks for help' — those rejections carry the weight of the exercise.

Start with the 'I am not' list and ask her to read it aloud. Then ask: 'Is there anything on that list that you've rejected because it was true at some point?' That question tends to open something. Move to the changes prompt last — it is the most honest signal of what the coaching work actually needs to address.

A manager was passed over for promotion he expected and is now questioning whether he is in the right field. He describes himself as 'not sure who I am anymore' outside the context of the promotion decision.

Position this as a calibration, not a crisis response. 'This isn't about figuring out your next move — it's about identifying what's actually stable in how you see yourself, which is useful before you make any decisions.' Some clients in this state resist the 'I am' prompts because any positive claim feels hollow right now. Normalize writing from the pre-setback self.

Watch for the changes section being disproportionately long relative to the 'I am' and qualities sections. If the client can name ten things he wants to change and struggles to name four things he genuinely is or admires in himself, the negative pull is dominating the self-concept. That imbalance is information, not a problem to solve immediately.

Start with the qualities section — what does he admire in himself. Ask him to pick the one quality that has been most present, even during the setback. Then compare that to the changes section. The gap between the two often shows whether he is working from self-awareness or from the setback narrative.

A 28-year-old individual contributor is entering coaching for the first time, with a vague sense that she wants to 'figure out what she really wants.' She has no specific problem to work on and limited self-observation vocabulary.

Use this as the entry point into the engagement. 'Before we set any goals, I want to understand how you see yourself — not what you want to become, but what you actually think is true about who you are right now.' The four prompts give structure to clients who might otherwise flounder in open-ended self-reflection.

Completion speed is reflective here. If the client finishes all four prompts in under eight minutes, the answers are likely surface-level. The 'write quickly on the first pass' instruction is genuine — but the more useful material usually emerges after the first pass. Ask her to read what she wrote, sit with it for two minutes, and add anything that surfaced after.

After she reads her responses, ask: 'Read your 'I am' list and your changes list together. What do those two lists in combination tell you about where most of your energy goes?' That question tends to reveal whether the client is working from a foundation of self-knowledge or trying to build a new self-concept from scratch.

A director is about to receive 360-feedback from peers and direct reports. He wants to have a clear self-assessment in place before seeing the external data so he can compare his self-perception to others' perception.

Frame this as a baseline before the data arrives. 'Before you see what others said, let's capture how you see yourself — the gaps between these two pictures are usually where the most useful coaching work is.' The 'I am not' list is particularly useful as a pre-360 exercise: the identities he actively rejects are often the ones that appear in feedback.

If the qualities section contains only leadership competencies ('decisive,' 'strategic') with no relational or personal qualities, and the changes section also focuses exclusively on professional skills, the client may be framing this as a performance exercise rather than a genuine self-inquiry. The 360 results will often puncture that framing.

After the 360 data arrives, use both documents together. Start with what aligned: what did he predict that the data confirmed? Then move to the gaps. 'Your 'I am not' list has nothing about tone or approachability — but that came up in multiple 360 responses. What would it have taken to notice that yourself?' That question is usually the most productive entry point.