DBT DEAR MAN
Skill

THERAPEUTIC SUPPORT TOOLS

A structured approach to getting what you need from others —
clearly, confidently, and without damaging the relationship.

Where This Tool Helps

Most people struggle with interpersonal requests not because they don’t know what they want, but because the delivery collapses under pressure. They hedge when they should be direct. They apologize for the ask before they’ve made it. Or they go in hard, damage the relationship, and get the outcome they wanted while losing the person.

DEAR MAN addresses the delivery problem. Each letter in the acronym handles a specific failure mode: vague framing, emotional flooding, passive hinting, forgetting why you’re there, signaling uncertainty through posture or tone, or walking away with nothing because compromise felt impossible. The acronym is a sequence, not a checklist — each step builds the one after it.

The worksheet that follows asks you to apply the skill to a real situation you are currently facing. Leaders who work through this on paper before a difficult conversation consistently report that the conversation itself is shorter and less charged. The preparation does most of the work.

The steps below are sequenced to move you from observable facts (where there is least room for disagreement) through to negotiation (where you’ve already established your credibility and position).

How to Use This Worksheet

  1. Choose one specific situation. A particular request you need to make, or a “no” you need to deliver. Keep it concrete — one interaction, one goal.
  2. Write out each letter before the conversation. The act of writing forces precision. “I feel frustrated” is a start; “I feel dismissed when my input isn’t acknowledged in team meetings” is a DEAR MAN statement.
  3. Pay special attention to R and M. Reinforcing the benefit to the other person is the step most people skip. Staying mindful of your objective is the skill that matters most when the conversation gets hard.
  4. Practice the A (Assert) step aloud. Say exactly what you want, without a qualifier before or after it. One sentence. Direct.
  5. Bring the completed worksheet to your coaching session if you want to rehearse the conversation before it happens.
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DEAR MAN Worksheet

The situation I need to address
D — Describe
State the facts of the situation without judgment or interpretation.
E — Express
How do you feel? Use “I feel...” — not “You make me feel...”
A — Assert
What exactly do you want? State it directly. No hints, no hedging.
R — Reinforce
What positive outcome will you name for the other person? What’s in it for them?
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DEAR MAN Worksheet (continued)

M — Mindful
What might pull you off track? How will you return to your objective if the conversation veers?
A — Appear Confident
What does confident look like for you here? What body language and tone will you use?
N — Negotiate
What are you willing to offer or accept as an alternative? Where is there room to give?

Before Your Next Session

Read what you wrote in the Assert step. Is that sentence something you could say out loud, directly, without softening it first? If not, what’s in the way?

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